Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

I used to be ambivalent about lube. OK, more than that: I used to be actively wary of it. As if using this substance represented a giant failure on my part to get my cunt wet. I used to feel as if lube was for anal, and only anal. But one of the things I’ve enjoyed most about my forays into the sex industry is just how ubiquitous lube is, and how many different uses there are for it. So let me pass on some of my learnings to you: unusual things to do with lube.

Put it in cocktails

Yeah, this is a literal thing: System Jo, who sponsor my site, make a whole range of different flavoured lubes (butterscotch is my favourite, but YMMV). If you bump into them at certain trade shows, they will sometimes have a cocktail bar set up where you can try out different drinks made from shots of vodka mixed with dashes of different flavours.

They even, at this year’s Eroticon, put recipe booklets along with samples in the goody bags so you could treat yourself to lube-twisted cocktails. Did I try this?

OF COURSE I FUCKING DID.

During my lube cocktail experiments someone on Twitter intriguingly suggested that you can simply use a dash of the lubes added to champagne to give it a bit of a twist. I’ve tried this with the strawberry, and a glass of cheap Tesco Cava, and it worked a treat. Bonus: gives you ever-so-slightly sticky lips, so you can recreate those halcyon teenage days of snogging after you’ve eaten an ice lolly.

Use it as hair serum

You might want to avoid the flavoured lubes for this, and stick to a silicone lube which has the right texture for this (water-based lube might work as well but I haven’t tried it – have a go! What’s the worst that could happen?). Although, you know, if you’d like your hair to smell like a sweet shop I will definitely not be one to judge. After all, I am the girl who nearly died of happiness when her boyfriend managed to find a body spray that smelt like Cadbury’s Mini Eggs.

The key thing to know here, though, is that silicone lube – just a couple of tiny drops – has very similar properties to hair serum. You can smooth it through your hair to get rid of the frizz, which I imagine is especially helpful if you’re planning to go for brunch with your lover after you’ve just shagged each other’s brains out.

Embrace the visual properties

Lube isn’t just practical, it’s also a beautiful, shiny, slippery mess. So let yourself get messy with it. If you don’t have a special fluidproof sheet, just chuck some old sheets on your bed that you don’t care about, and let yourself have some fun with the lube rather than eking it out to try and avoid getting mess everywhere.

Embrace the mess. Don’t squirt out a couple of droplets, pour a river of it all over your lover’s cock. Drizzle it liberally down the slit of your cunt and then rub it over every single part of you that feels good. Every part. Not just your clit or your cunt or your balls or the head of your twitching prick but your nipples and arse and armpits and the soft skin just above the dip of your hipbones.

Slather it on your hands until you can’t work out what’s going where in the hand-job you’re giving, all you know is that your wet fingers are rippling over their dick. Take time to appreciate the sensation – if it feels this great on your fingertips, can you imagine how lovely it feels on the head of their cock?

Tie your partner to the bed and drench your cunt in a particular flavour, then get them to guess which one it is as they nuzzle your clit with their tongue. Do the same with your nipples – different flavours, with punishments and rewards for whatever they guess.

Smear it into the crack of your arse then get someone to slide their cock between your cheeks. Do the same with your tits, plus extra, so the shine of the lube glimmers off each of your nipples.

Pour gallons of it inside your favourite wank sheath, so when you slip the toy over their cock fat globs of it spill out over the edges, displaced by the rigidity, solidity of their twitching prick.

Lube: let it flow. Let it drip and drizzle over every part of you: into you and onto you and all over. Spilling out and over until your skin feels light – frictionless.

Let it cling wetly to the ends of your hair, mingling with sweat as you ride someone.

I got carried away there, didn’t I? But it’s partly a bit strategic. As someone who used to be ambivalent about lube, who is now a total enthusiast, I find there’s a lot more joy in this simple substance than I ever previously thought. If you like it, embrace it: as fully as you embrace the other kinks and sex toys and pleasures that brighten up your bedroom.

Let your cup, and your cunt, runneth over.

System Jo support my site, so if you buy from any of the links in this post you’re helping me keep the site running, and for that I salute you and love you. They didn’t ask me to write this post, though, I just wanted to have a little ramble about how brilliant lube is. 

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